After watching the finish of both the women’s and the men’s races at Boston, I should be inspired. But I find that, despite those beautiful displays of athleticism, my own running lacks lustre. I’m still putting in the miles and putting in the workouts, but something’s missing. I’m hoping it’s just a phase or a passing mood. Yesterday, I ran my easy run with joy, which is something I haven’t felt in a number of runs, so maybe things are starting to shift for the better.
I’m being a little vague here, but it’s not intentional – my running mood is vague these days. I find I have no desire to race. I think the fact that my Lung Run result wasn’t significantly better than last year has had a much deeper negative effect than I’d thought. I’m working hard, but the results are not coming – and I’m tired of being frustrated after every race. I’m not willing to admit that, from here on in, I may only make small gains until I get too old to make any gains at all. But part of me suspects that if I had any big gains to make, I would’ve made them by now.
The reality is that I may not get much faster than this.
I think the only way to deal with this dread fact is to find the joy in running in and of itself and not worry about the racing. I love training. I love the process of trying to get faster. But I hate not getting faster. I guess I need to focus more on training and less on race results – but it’s not easy. It feels a little like giving up.
My goal half marathon is still a month away, but I don’t feel any excitement about it yet. I tried to do a 6-mile race pace run last Saturday, but I couldn’t hold the pace for the whole run. I’m not ready to run 1:16 – and I have to face the fact that I may not run 1:16 – and that it’s okay. I want to run hard, but I want to enjoy the race no matter where I finish or what time I finish in.
I guess what I’m saying is that I want to find a way to motivate myself to do my best without relying on race times. I think this is a predicament many runners past their prime face.
Oh well. Time to lace up the shoes and hit the track. There’ll be time to figure this out later.
